lesbian, sex, single and happy

81. What women want

In the olden days, there was a stat people used to quote about how men think about sex every 7 seconds. Men were animals, apparently, held to ransom by their desperate, yearning, aching ballsacks. Women were often left out of such studies as people thought women were incapable of enjoying sex because it’s “icky” and it “messes up one’s hair”. Thankfully, times have changed. In ground-breaking research commissioned exclusively for Girl Meets Girl, I can reveal exactly how often women think about sex. Behold, a single day in the mind of a woman:

6am
Wake up
NEED URGENT WEE
Where pyjama bottoms?
Oh here, in tiny ball
Wees
Better
Right, coffee. I wonder when someone will invent IV drips for the home so can inject caffeine straight into brain? Forget Brexit. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT YOU DRIBBLING PARLIAMENTARY SHREWS.
Makes coffee
Better.
Shit, still need to put up bloody smoke alarm. Can kill self but will feel v.guilty if kill tenant
Right, where pants?
Thong
Thong
Thong
Oh god, tell me I’m not out of normal pants!
A ha!
Retrieves pants with large hole in crotch
Good enough
Hmm, think I’ll put on some music. POWER LESBIAN PLAYLIST. Yeah, that’s the shit. Lead from the muff
Sings and sexy dances in front of mirror
Jesus, HURRY UP. It’s been an hour and so far you’ve dressed 70% of your vagina
Hurries up
Breakfast
More sexy dancing
Unidentified dawdling
Trying to lure neighbour’s cat into house with cooing
Delayed by unexpected poo
Leaves house
Good. You’re leaving the house, 2 HOURS AND 23 MINUTES after you woke up. I mean, wow
Gets on train
Eugh, so many commuters. Hate you all. Especially YOU man with backpack. Take that shit off. Wait, is that…a seat? Oh my god! It’s a seat! BACK UP TOSSERS, THAT SEAT IS MINE. Oh, it’s the pregnant lady’s. I can’t hate a pregnant lady….can I?
Gets off train
Arrives at work
“Ta dah! I’m here!”
No one cares
Fantasises about the Bahamas
Fantasises about quitting work
Fantasises about living in a giant doughnut
Pees
Fantasises about having a girlfriend
Fantasises about having a sandwich
Fantasises about getting a book deal
Right come on, better do something
Opens email
Eugh, email from Gareth. He’s so shit. Wonder when they’ll fire all the shit senior men who only got their jobs because there were no women to compete for them
Probably time for a pee
Probably time for a coffee
Doughnut?
Unidentified dawdling
Home time! Thank god
Right, MUST remember milk
And must call mum
And must do smoke alarm
What for dinner?
Spends 45 minutes on Jamie Oliver website
Ooh, maybe I’ll make satay chicken!
Or tuna carpaccio
Or home-made butternut gnocchi
Goes to supermarket
Leaves supermarket with bread and eggs
Gets home
Forgot the buggering milk, DAMMIT
Drinks wine
Lights incense for inner peace
Stubs toe on sofa and threatens to kill basil plant
Realises basil plant has been dead for some time
Forgets to call mum
Forgets to fit smoke alarm
Things about sex for 0.01 seconds
Sleeps

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash