dating, humour, lesbian, online dating

71. How not to write a dating profile

Writing a good dating profile is hard. There’s so much pressure to cram your whole self into a couple of sentences and a photo. What if you miss off some vital bit of information that could have elevated your profile from a ‘no’ to a ‘maybe’ or even a ‘yes’? What if, off paper, you and the other person are perfect for one another but none of your words fit together as they should?

You want to paint yourself in the best possible light without getting ridiculous; to not try and pass yourself off as a sumptuous Boticelli when you’re more of a scuzzy Bacon. You also just want to sound normal. I’ve tried to nail it so many times. I used all the best words. And yet, here I am – still single, still writing.

On the subscriber sites you tend to get proper, written profiles whereas the apps are infinitely more varied. These days, lots of people just use emojis. Emojis. Honestly, some of them I have no idea what they’re saying:

Sunshine, wine, 2 girls, girl and boy, sushi…levitating man?…happy poo, happy poo…whale? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? You’re a very incontinent, bisexual, whale, sunshine and wine-loving superhero?

I have a hunch some people look as though they’ve thrown their profile together – what, this old thing? – when they specifically went skydiving so they could stick the photo on their profile: Hey! Look how cool and fun and awesome and calculating and manipulative and unsettling I am.

Some people are one-word wonders:


Eh? Do you like cats? Are you a bit catty? Or is that some new bit of urban slang I haven’t quite grasped?

Others are one-emoji wonders:

Scorpio emoji.

You’re dangerous? You’ll hurt me? You like deserts? You scare people? In some parts of the world you’re considered a delicacy?

One woman simply writes: Polyamorous llama

Maybe I should do something like that. But how do you decide on what animal you are?

Lesbian salmon. Lesbian guinea fowl. “Lesbian Chihuahua looking for someone special.”

The whole thing is so stressful. This is why I like words. Nice, clear, no room for muddling words.




I’m an ambitious, hard-working digital professional (yawn)

I’m a happy-go-lucky, free spirit (no you’re fucking not)

I’m an extremely sweary, cynical, borderline alcoholic (never tell them the truth)

Sick of dating, genuinely excited to meet someone amazing  (show no weakness)

Not sure what I’m looking for, friendship or casual dating would be great  (LIES. I’ll wed you in your sleep.)

Looking for someone who gives me that special tinkle in my heart  (this is actually the creepiest thing anyone has ever said in a dating profile.)

Hey wifey! (I stand corrected).

Oh, fuck it:

“Lesbian Chihuahua looking for someone special.”


Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash