dating, humour, sex

57. Sex with benefits

The first time you have sex with a woman is a complete minefield. I don’t want to do men a disservice or anything, but they’re mostly pretty easily pleased between the sheets. Just swing your legs around a bit and yodel and they’ll usually sort themselves out quite happily.

Women, on the other hand, are far more complex:

“Erm, left a bit…no, no, right a bit…okay bit far, go back? Yep, there. Bit softer…mmm…softer…yeah…that’s good babes. Okay speed up…no not that fast…yeah like that. Still soft though…but fast…but soft…but fast…oh yeah…oh baby…uh huh…mmm…keep doing that…right there…stay right there….don’t move…don’t move…don’t move…ARGH I’M TOO SENSITIVE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GET OFF ME.”

screams and hides in wardrobe.

Sleeping with a woman is like embarking on an archaeological dig; delicately snuffling around her body looking for the touches and positions and pressure points that will drive her wild.  There’s no formula for how to please a woman: sometimes a + b = c. Sometimes a + b + 2 = c. Sometimes a + b + 2 – (100/q) +   √ 98 x 23% = are you getting close yet, my arm really hurts?

I’ve invited the Thai over to mine for our first official night of fun. After a polite prelude of small talk and gin I take her to bed, strapping on my sunhat and fetching my trowel: a brave explorer plumbing the mysterious depths of the Thai’s vagina!

It’s incredible. I’ve never met a woman who’s so sensitive, sensual or sexually charged. No matter where I touch her, or how, she bucks and gasps and writhes and moans, eventually coming so violently she rips off the bed sheets as I desperately try to shush her:

“Think of the neighbours!” I rasp futilely.

She can have c-spot orgasms, g-spot orgasms – I could probably lick her ankle and she’d have some kind of orgasm. She’s so wet I briefly consider fetching a snorkel before going down on her. It’s the most amazing turn on and my own orgasm, when she comes, is as rich and full as she’s ever been.

Afterwards we splutter about in bed joking and laughing. It’s nice. Being with her is like a spring shower washing the Friend out of the nooks and crannies of my mind. When she slips out of bed and heads down to her taxi, my heart flumps a little with disappointment. Secretly, I want her to stay.

Ultimately, cracking how a woman orgasms is the easy bit. With enough patience and passion you can always find that winning formula, the key to her come. The real challenge is in finding a woman who can crack everything else.

I’ll get there one day. Until then, well, I think the Thai and I are going to be just peachy.