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29. Love letter

Dear Blue Eyes,

I remember you telling me early on in our relationship that you felt like your brain was broken. That the drinking and anger and struggles with intimacy were all manifestations of a mind damaged beyond repair.

I can tell you that the only thing that’s broken is a world that’s tried so hard to make you ashamed of who you are. You, my beautiful girl, are perfect. You were born perfect.

You told me that the first time you kissed a girl you were terrified. I hate that those first sweet kisses were laced with fear; and not the usual fears of ‘am I doing it right?’ or ‘is my breath okay?’ but the fear that just the act of kissing a girl was wrong.

I hate that you’ve grown up in a world where 99% of popular culture is focused on a boy meets girl narrative; that you could never see yourself in all those happily ever afters and Hollywood endings.

I hate that you’ve found it hard to develop close relationships with straight women because you’re afraid they’ll think you’re attracted to them; that your friendships have been limited by your fear of being judged or misunderstood.

I hate that coming out wasn’t as easy as it could have been; that certain members of your family treated it as something to be (eventually) grudgingly tolerated rather than joyfully celebrated.

I hate that you have to hold back when we’re in public; that we hold hands a little less, kiss a little less, show our love a little less, because you’re afraid of making people uncomfortable.

I hate that for so long you found it hard to be physically intimate with women; that you struggled to let go and enjoy the most natural and beautiful expression of our love.

Breathe in deeply my sweet. Breathe in my compassion, my respect, my friendship, my loyalty and my love until there’s no place left for the hurt to go. I wake up in the morning loving you and I fall asleep at night loving you. Fear and shame can’t touch me now. Now, when I’m holding your hand, I burn with pride. “Look!” I want to shout, “this amazing woman chose me!”

The world is changing. With every coming out, every kiss, every “I love you”, every embrace, every “I do” and every new life we’re all building a kinder, more tolerant world where everyone can be free to love – and be loved by – whomever they choose.

Finally, thank you. Thank you for showing me how amazing love with a woman can be. I wish I could go back and tell the terrified girl I used to be: “don’t be afraid. This is going to be so much more awesome than you could ever imagine.”

Thank you for accepting me for who I am, for all my flaws and my past. It took me a while to get here but I’m here now and that’s what matters.

Thank you for opening up to me and for being vulnerable, and for letting me be vulnerable with you too. You’ve seen me at my best and my worst and thankfully, miraculously, you haven’t changed your mind.

But most of all, thank you for loving me back.

Photo by Neven Krcmarek on Unsplash

This entry was posted in: lesbian

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